So I am back to my old ways. Kind of just woke up from a deep literary slumber, and feel really ready to knock one of these out. Now before we begin I do feel an obligation to catch you up on what has been going all around us. Just in case you are like 90% of America and deliberately ignore the fact that the world is round, and there are things happening outside of your city. It really is amazing how people just neglect there are other human beings that inhabit this earth and look, dress, smell, and think differently than them. So for a quick recap:
1. Charlie Sheen is a very rich crazy person who has destroyed the word "winning" and gave Lorne Michaels and SNL a jolt of tiger blood. (Bill Heder is awesome)
2. The Situation was at the Roast of Donald Trump and got booed off the stage.
3. Tiger Woods has a new Girlfriend
4. Chris Brown went "Four Loko" on the set of Good Morning America dressed as a stretched out Sisqo.
5. Some stuff is happening in Libya, and Muammar Qaddafi is still a war criminal
6. The earth reminded us again that we are only temporary after it decided to ransack Japan. (please donate to the red cross for the Japanese people and keep them in your thoughts)
7. Paul King a U.S. legislator and member of the IRA accused all American Muslims of being members of Al-Qeada and had some panel of random people sit in and agree with him.
8. March Madness began and of course there were some awesome upsets, including Morehead State destroying my 10 year old sisters bracket. (she had Louisville was going to the Final Four and by "she" I mean I filled it out that way)
9. VCU keeps dominating teams from the AP top 25, and giving greater meaning to the money I spent getting a degree there. Shout out to Coach Smart and his players Skeen, Rodriguez, Burgess, Nixon, Rozzel, Reddic, and the rest of the squad! You guys make my education more valuable with each victory!
10. I discovered Sports Dome, thus making ONN (Onion News Network) the most amazing thing to happen in comedy.
So that's a full recap of what happened, a lot of other crap happened but I wanted to keep this Letterman-Esq with the top ten things I heard the most about. Not because they are important but more because this is my blog and I get to write what I want. (Read it or leave Brian Tran)
Now onto this post. Very early on I took a unique approach at describing what the most important thing was to me on the dance floor. It was very descriptive critique at what I have noticed women tend to proclaim is dancing. Now this is a continuation of that conversation because I was advised that I should be fair and balanced. So in the spirit of Fox News I am going to do just that. My time on this desktop will solely be aimed at assisting those of us with a X and Y chromosome how to be efficient on the dance floor. Too many times men become gaudy or needy on the floor as opposed to what their true role is.
So as a heterosexual man, I can only speak to other ones. I want to make clear that my views and opinions on this matter are meant for the guy trying to dance with a girl. Gentleman, let me be clear... your role is that of support/escort/and highlighter. You are not the body of work on the dance floor, you are the staple that holds the document together. You aren't a leading man on the red carpet you are that guy who knocked up Natalie Portman. You are not the piece of information pivotal to the exam you are just the florescent accent over top of the ink. So that being said, here are few things men should remember when dancing.
Let me start off by saying, the movie's Step Up were horrible. The only good thing that came out of them was Channing Tatum. Dance circles and battles with other guys are just ridiculous and probably uncool unless you live in Florida. (For some reason or another break dancing and all that jazz is still very cool down there). Now, I will say that you can indict me on charges of breaking my own rules, but I have thought about this a lot. I am in my mid 20's and yes I can dance but today goes down as the day in which I give up being the Jester at a dance party. Yes everyone who knows me will probably be upset but honestly, I am getting old, my knees are getting weaker, and I rather not be on showcase for everyone else's amusement. My wish is for you guys to stop trying to hog some sort of attention by creating these dance circles. It attracts the bad kind of attention, i.e. drunk white guys who want to be involved and really serious dancers dispatched onto the dance floor to judge your every moment. Now it is always fun to win such people over but at the end of the day it isn't about that.
Next fellas is the hand motions that you all seem to rely on for your lack of footwork and hip-flexer muscle. Put your hands down, there is no need for you to wave your hands around like you are in a gang. The drink in your hand doesn't require a birds eye view of the dance floor either and boasting your cranras-tini to a crowd of girls does not scream "I GOT MONEY" or "I HAVE TASTE" it more resembles " I get my nails done more than you.." to a female. Stop beating the beat "The Situation", Pauly D isn't on the wheels of steel and Snooki wants nothing to do with your pickle unless you are tan, gelled up, and wearing a rhinestone tiger saving a unicorn from a horrific helicopter accident. Your hands are not needed at any point of the dancing. Just avoid overly using your hands and arms to express your jubilation with the music being played. All it really does is take up space and invade the space of those around you. You are not only attracting bad attention to yourself you are probably going to hit someone in the face.
Finally gentleman, we are no longer in middle school. You shouldn't be trying to grind on your female counterpart. Most of the time I can never tell if it is a deliberate decision to dance that close or the two involved are so intoxicated or tired that they are trying to hold each other up. It looks extremely sloppy and immature. What exactly do you do that for? There is no reason I can think of other than a mans fetish of voyeurism to attempt to get that close to a woman for an extended period of time in public. I think it actually should be illegal to watch every article of clothing on that female ride up. Innocent spectators like me are exposed to the flaws that these guys will not discover until the next morning. In most cases if there is a woman allowing you to do that in a club then she attends George Mason University and is in English 101 or she has lost her "bff's" and you are going to be feeling really blue later. I don't know whats better dropping the girl off at her dormitory in the morning or the empty but yet blood filled feeling you have after that experience.
So gentleman here is my advice, instead of causing all sorts of strange attention to yourself I recommend doing a few things different. First, just bob your head or tap your feet. It is OK to get into the music but you don't want to just start dancing in your own world. People get weirded out by that, now I do it because I like repel people. It is a weird habit I have of being in a social place and doing everything I can to avoid socializing with people. If you stay in a small radius roughly the size of your shoulder, you allow for people to make eye contact as well as not obstruct any ones path or movement. It really is an easier way to meet a person if that is your goal and also gives you the ability to be cognizant of what their state of mind is. Another thing you should remember is that if you are in the act of dancing with a girl you should keep a good distance and dance with her so she can feel like she is a Rihanna video and the "only girl in the world". Don't take the spotlight away from her but let her express herself and feel sexy and valuable. Give her a twirl...but not to many twirls because no one likes ballroom dancing. Avoid too much footwork, I am positive that 80% of the people reading this don't salsa so STOP pretending like you can. It is really weird to watch a guy try and work his hips and mix in footwork. It more resembles Ronaldihno dribbling a soccer ball than dancing. Now if you are at a salsa bar, or you can actually do it with a girl who is also knowledgeable then by all means take it south of the border. If you are there and you are trying to teach the girl how to do it, take her no rhythm having booty somewhere else (preferably to a dance studio).
I hope that everyone has learned a little something about what is acceptable when dancing. Men should not be the center piece of any dance floor unless they are getting paid to do so. If you are a male stripper like my friend Z then by all means dance away. If you are out on the town, keep your hands and arms in side the radius of your shoulders at all times, stop beating up the beat, remember it isn't a step or tap dancing competition, and really remember you aren't there to prove you have skills. If that were the case there would be a cash prize or a camera crew filming you in 3D/Slow motion.
As always I hope you have a wonderful day and that you enjoyed a little bit more of my thoughts!
you have a male stripper friend?
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